Self Love: What it Means and 7 Simple Ways to Practice it

“When I hit the rock bottom
that exists after the rock bottom
and no rope or hand appeared
I wondered
what if nothing wants me
cause I do not want me
perhaps I am both the poison
and the antidote”
-rupi kaur

Brilliant, isn’t it?  I thought so. Here is my question to you though. If “I” am the poison and “I” myself am the cure, then the “I” must be the most important aspect of my existence.  Yes of course, you say.   Our existence is because of the “I”.   Without it , the self, we wouldn’t exist.  Well, if that is the case and we all realize it then why, my friends, do we not put the” I” before everything else in life? Why do we completely ignore the I?

From the day we are born to the very end of our journey there is one companion that is with us through and through.  That companion is our very own self. Our entire journey, our experiences and our perception of life are created by this being. Yet, we spend very little time knowing, understanding, respecting and loving this individual.

I truly believe that before we attempt to make sense of the world around us it is important that we not only understand but also learn to accept and love ourselves unconditionally.  (If you haven’t already done so please do read “Darling, don’t forget to love yourself first.” )

The concept of self-love can be confusing and difficult to master, especially since we as a society seem to have attached a negative notion of selfishness and narcissism to it.   Self-love is neither selfishness or vanity. It is, in fact,  essential for creating healthy and loving relationships with those around us.  It is also the basis for creating a peaceful, fulfilling and happy life.

What does self-love mean anyways?  How does one practice it?  This is indeed a great question.

Self love is certainly not the need to feel above or better than others. Nor is it simply treating oneself to worldly comforts or luxuries. It  is understanding, accepting and above all respecting our own real authentic self with all its faults and flaws.   It is knowing, acknowledging and functioning with the thought that we are whole, complete and worthy.  That we are enough.

So how do we practice self love?  How do we, all of the sudden, change our learnt behaviour?  Is it even doable?  Yes it is!  We all crave to make good, life long friends, and we are always willing to invest so much  time, energy and heartache to do so.  Here we have a built in best friend, (our own self), so let us begin by getting to know this friend. Are you up for it?  Great! Here is what really helps me. It is always work in progress, of course.   Some days you are so on top of it, and other days you fail miserably.  It’s when you fail that you must remember to  brush it off, forgive yourself, and start all over again.  This is a life long process that we all must undertake.

Here is my take on practicing self-love:

1. We must become mindful of our thoughts and behaviour

It is important that we start by observing our thoughts and behaviour. As we do this, we must pay particular attention to our self talk to establish and get to know our thought patterns. Do you use harsh phrases for yourself every time you do something wrong? Do you have a tendency to find faults in your body? Remember the saying if you were to treat a friend the same way you treat yourself, they wouldn’t be your friend for long.

Similarly, are you judgemental, critical and harsh on others around you? Judgement is actually a form of self doubt and lack of our own confidence. We try and make ourselves feel better by being judgemental of others and by putting others down. This is equally unhealthy. What you put out is what comes back to you. As we judge others we soon develop a fear of being judged ourselves.  This fear can become very debilitating and limiting.  We end up living a very ordinary life out of fear.

Are you living in the past?  Do you define yourself by what happened to you and how others treated you in the past? Lets work to let that go.  Remember, everyone in your life did the best they could according to what they knew at the time. We must learn to forgive ourselves and everyone else and embrace life as it is today.

As we become aware of our self talk and thoughts, we teach ourselves to live consciously.  We soon realize that we may not have control over what comes our way but we certainly have control over how we react to it. Life begins to make sense and we start to live, not just exist.

2. Get to Know Yourself:

Follow these simple steps: (Before you begin, invest in a small notebook, or better yet, treat yourself to a lovely journal.)

• Write down 5 things that you love about yourself.  This will also help you develop your gratitude practice (Do take a minute to read Gratitude-the ultimate practice). Every time you discover something new that you like//love about yourself add this to the list.  Go ahead, don’t be humble.  We are all so good at finding faults in ourselves and admiring others.  Let’s change that habit.
• On the opposite page write 5 things you are not good at.   Please understand that we are whole but none of us are perfect. Let’s get to know what you are not good at.  This helps you to get to know yourself and next time someone makes you feel bad because you are not good at something, you already know and you have already accepted it, so why should it hurt you?
• Next, make a list of things and people that make you really happy and also those that make you unhappy.  This may not come quickly at first, but the more you think about it, the more you will learn about yourself.  Once you have this list make a deliberate effort to spend time doing the things and spending time with people that bring you joy.  By the same token avoid things and people that don’t bring you happiness. It’s your journey, and it is short and unpredictable. You must fully live it.  

3. Replace Perfection with Humanity:

As human beings we are not meant to be perfect (it’s too boring).  We are meant to make mistakes, learn from them, and grow and evolve along the way (that’s the joy of life).  Please go ahead and give yourself permission to make mistakes and accept your faults.  Learn from every experience.  Again, don’t generalize and  beat yourself up.  Pick a small thing that you would like to do better everyday.  Tomorrow is another day.  When you fail to make that change you so desperately wanted, forgive yourself and start again the next day.  As you learn to forgive yourself you will also find it easier to forgive others.

4. Do Not Let Your Self Worth be Based on the Opinion of Others:  

Somehow, very early on in life we all learn to let our self worth be based on opinion of others.  We constantly seek approval and validation.   I am sure you have heard the phrase “what other people think of you is their business”.  Its time to apply this thought. You have a life to live, so live it well.

One of my favourite authors, Brene Brown, suggests taking a small piece of paper (I am thinking 1/2″ by 1″) and writing the names of the people who’s opinion should matter to you.  These people should really deserve to be on this list because they love, support and encourage you.  Beyond these people anyone’s opinion is not your concern.

Besides, when you know yourself well, you draw your validation and self worth from within, not from compliments or criticism.  Those FB and Instagram likes are just icing on the cake.

5. Take Time out for Your body, mind and soul: (After all you only have one of each for your lifetime).

• Go for a 20 min. brisk walk outside (don’t forget to smell the flowers, admire the trees and listen to the birds.  It’s a privilege to live in this beautiful world). Join a yoga class or the gym.  Learn about healthy eating and change a bad eating habit.
• Learn something new everyday.  We start getting old when we stop learning.  Go ahead and take up a new hobby.  Learn a new feature on your phone.  Read a book. Take up crochet, or anything that will excite you and keep your mind fresh.
• Have some quiet time. This is so essential to our well being.  Every day set aside 15-20 minutes to meditate.  If you are busy on certain days, don’t worry.  Take short 1-2 minute stops throughout the day.  Use this time to focus on your breath and clear your mind. Think about yourself, your day, your aspirations and wishes.  (I will actually do a full blog post on meditation soon). In the meantime do read “5 Simple step to take charge of your mind and live blissfully”.
• Make an appointment with yourself and respect the appointment as any other appointment you may have.  Use this time as your personal time. As you slowly start to recognize where your time is being wasted (refer to your list in “Get to know yourself”) you will start to find quality time for yourself.
• Use technology to your favour.  For example, you sit and read or listen to something and it makes so much sense,and you have every intention to following through but then life gets in the way ( I know, I have been there).  Here is a little trick that helps me.  If I read something and I really want to incorporate it into my lifestyle. I  put a reminder in my phone.  Right now, every morning at 9:00 am. my phone reminds me to “Balance my body mind and soul”.  This reminds me to take a minute and reflect.  If I find any insignificant, irrelevant, small issues lingering in my brain that throw off my positive energy I let them go.  I then remind myself of my intent to make this day the best it can be.
• Treat yourself to something new.  Get new skin care products, go for a spa day, walk in the rain, buy a new outfit, listen to a new song, try a new activity. 

6. Don’t Play the Victim Card:There is nothing worse than setting yourself up for self-pity.  Don’t go there.  Its a bottomless pit.  You are blessed, you are loved and you are strong. Your problems are very small compared to the greatness of the world we live in.  Seeking sympathy will dig you deeper into the ground. Be strong, take charge and take responsibility of your behaviour and your life.

7. Know your Intention and set your Boundaries:

Whenever you have the opportunity to do something for someone don’t do it out of any future expectation or with the intent to please anyone.   Before any action think about your intention.  If your intention is that one day this person will return the favour, stop yourself and don’t do it.  (Yes, its okay to say no.) If your intention is the joy and happiness that you are feeling as you complete the action, by all means go ahead.  There is so much joy to be found in doing things for others but there is nothing worse then let down of an expectation.  So tune into the joy of giving or don’t give. Know your intention and set your boundaries.

Life itself is simple and beautiful.  We as humans tend to complicate it unnecessarily.  So before you close this blog post pick at least one thing (I would recommend you make a plan to follow all seven, of course) you are going to incorporate into your life.  Get that journal, make some notes and put some reminders in your phone.  Go ahead lets make the necessary changes and move forward.  Happy living friends!!!

With Love, 

Devinder ❤️

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