The Importance of Authentic Conversations

Back in April I had the honour of being part of a panel for Kaur Conversations vol. 2, an amazing initiative by The Kaur Project here in Surrey, B.C.

The topic of the conversation for this evening was “Women, Kaurs and Our Bodies”. I was thrilled to be a part of this panel as the whole concept of sharing our authentic selves and our stories resonates dearly with me and my platform.

Authentic conversations, in my opinion, hold the power to heal, connect, and unite us. They have the ability to spread love, compassion, understanding, and joy.

This is much needed in a world facing so many forces bent upon spreading hatred and separation among us.

This evening provided the perfect opportunity for us all to engage, listen, share and discuss our genuine, whole hearted stories. Our conversation covered everything from failed marriages, adoption, obesity, menstrual cycles, aging, self-care, self-love and learning to respect and honour our bodies and selves. The connectivity, understanding and compassion that was generated in this room was absolutely commendable.

During the conversation, Jesse Kaur, the amazing young woman behind the project and the mediator for the evening asked me how I had managed to gain so much wisdom (I share this humbly to get to the point of my story). She asked if it was from the conversations I had growing up.

My answer was that I have been a life long learner. I seek to learn from every source including conversations, books, videos, podcasts, etc. In the hind sight I should have emphasized the importance of conversations I had growing up a lot more. But I had assumed it was normal for families to have these conversations.

My fondest memories of growing up include those of sitting with my parents and learning about our family history. The countless little stories of happiness, struggles, blessings and challenges not only connected me to my family but to life itself.

This is exactly how we raised our children. Having taken them on family heritage trips and sharing wonderful stories of love, pain, struggle, and triumph have created most delightful moments for us all. They will forever have an abundant treasure of real life examples to draw strength and courage from. Knowing that people you love faced challenges and came out stronger and resilient on the other side is truly liberating and inspiring.

But it wasn’t until I came across this Instagram post by Rupi Kaur, New York Times bestselling author and illustrator, that I had an epiphany. I realized this is not normal. I was naive to assume that it was.

Here is her poem that got me thinking:

I am so grateful to Rupi Kaur for bringing to the surface an essential human need. The need to know, share, and connect with each other. How beautifully she has expressed the yearning of a child to know more of her parents. She is not alone and I don’t think this is the struggle of immigrant families only.

No parent ever wants to leave the child out. But, society has conditioned us to believe that pain, suffering, failure, and struggles are bad. We begin to believe if they happened to us it must somehow be our fault.

As a result, we learn to numb the pain, ignore the hardships, hide the struggles, and suffer is silence. This causes us to create lines of separation and become distant from those who love us dearly. We choose to quietly carry the burdens, be miserable, and make excuses.

The truth of the matter is that these struggles are a part of being human. They are a part of life. In fact, they are life.

We all just get caught up in our egos trying to prove to each other how we are better. Slowly this burden of pretending to be something we are not takes over and we become unhappy and recluse.

Opening ourselves up to share our struggles has the potential to heal and uplift us. My dad left his teaching job and a very comfortable lifestyle in a small village in India when he immigrated to Canada. He worked in a saw mill for a number of year. The stories of his experiences and struggles warm my heart to this day. I can not imagine the emotional struggle he must have gone through but I will forever be indebted for the sacrifices he (and my mom) made.

Back in the day discrimination and stereotyping was very common. He often tells the story of his foreman who always liked to reiterate that Indo-Canadians were only good for labour jobs. One day my father gathered enough courage to say you wait until our next generation. They will be doctors, engineers, lawyers, and entrepreneurs like the rest of the people.

As you can well imagine, the day our oldest daughter graduated from medical school my father was one teary-eyed, proud man. Our daughter, of course, was delighted to have fulfilled his vision. That evening, over dinner, we had another great conversation around stereotyping, growth, grit, and pride.

It is not what we have suffered in life but rather how we choose to deal with it that determines our relationships, quality of life and fate. Having whole hearted conversations and making ourselves vulnerable to those who love us dearly has the potential to create bonds beyond our imagination. More importantly we hand over a wealth of experiences, and a real understanding and appreciation for life.

“Having heard stories about their ancestors, they (children) grow up with an internal narrative that lends them a sense of fortitude, resilience, and courage. ” – Dr. Shafali Tsabary, The Conscious Parent.

Sharing with our children how despite fear and pain we faced life’s adversities and came out stronger and more resilient is the best legacy we can leave behind.

It is not the shame in our failures but the pride in our resilience and strength that defines us.

Let’s own our story and share it with pride. Let us begin the conversations…

With love,

Devinder 💖