Kamal Dhillon – salute to an incredible spirit

As I begin this new category on my blog called “Everyday Heroes”, I am honoured to share the story of an incredible woman whose spirit fascinates and inspires me. I first heard Kamal Dhillon’s story about 10 years back from my younger daughter. As Miss Teen Canada she was invited to an event where Kamal was one of the speakers and had shared her story.

I could feel how distraught yet inspired my 16 year old was as she narrated the horrific story of domestic abuse this woman had endured and survived. My daughter said I must read her book “The Black and Blue Sari”.

For 15 years Kamal suffered from inhuman abuse and torture at the hands of her estranged husband. She survived many attempts on her life. He tried to kill her by hanging her with her sari, dousing her with kerosene, pushing her down a flight of stairs, tried drowning her in the ocean a few times, and attempting to electrocute her with an arc welder and many other unmentionable ways. As a result she has had 10 jaw surgeries and now has an artificial jaw. She gave birth to four children and endured the torture for 15 years till his death.

As I held my daughter tight in my arms I too was shaken to my core. How could someone be so cruel to another human being? Where were the people who needed to protect her? How did she carry on day to day? What kept her going? So many questions bombarded my brain. My curiosity was drawn not to her abuser or those who failed her immensely but to the spirit that endured, lived and dared to share her story. In my thoughts I sent a prayer and a salute to her incredible spirit. I knew I would never be able to read through her book. It would forever scar my belief in the goodness of humanity. Instead I preferred to focus on the incredible woman she is and her story of resilience and perseverance.

As the amazing universal energy would have it, ten years later when I started blogging and made my own facebook page Kamal and I connected. I had the opportunity to talk to her at length over the phone and meet her in person by chance. I gave her the biggest hug and found myself somehow trying to take away the pain, disappointment and let down from all those who were suppose to have loved, cared and protected her.

As I looked at her big ,beautiful eyes I saw a gentle woman who had not only forgiven her wrong doers but had found a real purpose in her suffering. By openly sharing her story she is bringing awareness around the world, and helping domestic abuse victims and authorities deal with the issue.

Here is my conversation with Kamal.

1.Kamal were you born in Canada?

I grew up in Vancouver since my early teens. My father was a baptized Sikh from Punjab and my mother a Hindu.

2. Tell us a little bit about your childhood?

My childhood memories can be characterized as stable. I attended a private Catholic school till grade 9. Education was important to my dad. Childhood was a precious time in which my siblings and I lived free from fear and safe from violence. Being a girl I was treated differently than my brothers – I accepted it as normal. That’s all I saw and grew up with.  

3. How old were you when you got married? Was it an arranged marriage?

I was 18 when I was arranged to be married to the man I saw at his brother’s engagement. He was handsome and charming. A week later I was engaged. 2 weeks later, I was married off to him at the local temple.

4. What were your thoughts and aspirations going into the marriage?

I just wanted to be happy.     My husband’s family were very wealthy and extremely influential in India. Being young and naïve, I considered myself a child bride. I didn’t object to my parent’s decision. I couldn’t. Maybe I didn’t want to know the consequences of going against their wishes. All I knew was I was expected to be obedient and not bring shame on anyone.  So, in my child-like mind I began to visualize a marriage where I would be loved. I would be a Princess in this house where my father-in-law was a respected elder, a philanthropist and a Member of the British Empire. I had big dreams for my future. 

5. When and how did you begin to feel this wasn’t what you thought it was going to be?

Within hours of becoming a wife and a daughter-in-law I quickly realized I was never going to be a part of my new family. I will always be an outsider. They had rules for me. It was recited to me by my mother-in-law. From this day onward I was to live in their household under strict guidelines. 

My dreams collided with a powerful regime. From the moment I was engaged I had been brimming with hope. My dreams had become just a fantasy – not a reality.

My drunk husband violently raped me hours after the temple ceremony. When asked by the emergency room doctor if I had been raped, I said No. I didn’t know what Rape meant then. That moment it dawned on me – any night could be my last night – alive. Despite the extreme fear, I stayed. I stayed because I was told by my parents that this was no longer my house. I now belonged to him. So, where would I go now? Who would take me? I was damaged goods now-  a new title my mother-in-law gave me.

6. I remember reading about the first time your husband abused you. You said you parent came to visit. He wouldn’t come out of the room and your parents told you to keep it quiet. Do you recall how this made you feel?

Seeing my mom and dad come to visit me after the abuse lifted my spirits. I felt I was no longer alone. Reflecting back after all those years, I often thought of that moment – I wondered what would they have said to him. Did they come to apologize to him for my behaviour? Were they there to ask for leniency? I don’t know.  I felt let down. I couldn’t figure out why they had asked me to keep the abuse quiet. Was it the Shame or the so-called honor? 

7. This abuse happened here in Canada. I find it appalling that no one came to your rescue. Did you reach out to anyone? Did you stop going into public?

The abuse didn’t always happen inside the home. It also happened in the public’s eye. Their response: “it’s between a husband and wife. It’s domestic abuse. No one should get involved”. Some asked me what I had done wrong. To others he was the politest man. He portrayed me as a mentally insane person to gain people’s sympathy. He would point out all of my faults – even the ones that never happened. He knew I would never defend myself. It was simply too risky. I would be face harsher punishments once we were home alone. There, his secrets would be safe. 

People often ask me why I didn’t tell someone. You see, I was always trying to tell someone. But No one was listening. They were too busy either on the phone or didn’t bother to look at me. Had they looked at me – they would have seen I was in desperate need of help. I was literally shaking in fear hoping the public bathroom in the mall may be my only escape. Someone will surely help me in there. No one did. Yet they ask me now when did I ask for their help. You see, my eyes told a story of my grave fear. My face showed visible scars and bruises. I didn’t have to say much. My silence was speaking loud and clear. Without looking my way – each one of you simply walked passed me. Reluctantly I walked back to my abuser.

8. 15 years of horrific torture and abuse. What gave you the strength to endure this?

 What kept me going was – the fear that my children would become his next victims. I had to protect them. What I endured, no child, no woman should ever endure. I began to dream of a better life. 

9. Were you ever angry at anyone?

Yes, I was angry. I was angry with myself, I was angry at my parents, at my abusers, the community. Everyone that should have helped –  chose not to.

10. When you were so badly abused and hurt how did you get medical attention?

I wasn’t always allowed to go the hospital. If I ever needed to go to a doctor, one of his family members accompanied me.

11. You have had 10 jaw surgeries. Did you take yourself to the doctor/hospital? Did no one ever question how this happened?

I had many other surgeries prior to finding out my TMJ was broken.  Interestingly, I only began to experience the pain of broken bones, after I fled the marriage. I had multiple bruising and injuries when I delivered my babies – but no one asked how I got all those bruises. I was too afraid to divulge my injuries. I trusted no one. I feared for my life.  I felt such let down by the system that was placed to protect women like me. They all failed me.

12. It is an eye opener for me that the authorities and the people in
the general community were also not aware or willing to help
domestic abuse victims.  Seems like it was a matter no one wanted to
acknowledge.  Please share your thoughts and experience on this .

It could have been both. I think people were afraid that they could make
the matter worse by getting involved. Authorities didn’t take domestic
violence seriously back then. 

13. When the authorities did lay charges of “threatening to kill” he took you to India?

He took me back on false pretence that it was a holiday. In reality it was to avoid the ‘threatening to kill’ charges the police had laid on him. 

14. The abuse continued in India. How did you manage to come back to Canada?

My father-in-law gave me a ticket to return to Vancouver as long as I gave my 4 children to them. I had never had to make a decision that difficult
where I had to leave my children with my tormentors.

15.Did anyone reach out and help you at this point?

I believe God was paving the way for me. Two and half years after I
arrived back in Vancouver and I finally flew back to India and took my
children from the school and returned to Vancouver. After months of
court cases, I was granted sole custody of my 4 children. He was declared a dangerous offender. The children asked the court to ban him from seeing
them.

16. How did you forgive and go past the pain of people who never extended their hand to you, your parents, your friends, authorities, etc.

How do you forgive someone who’s only mission was to see you dead? How do you forgive a monster who starves you, douses you with kerosene and hands you the matches to light it and burn? How do you forgive a man who had been planning your death for years with our little children? It would be many years later, when I began a journey to forgive my offenders. It had become too hard to keep drinking the poison of hate and bitterness and wishing that they would die.

I knew if I wanted to live, and be a positive example to my children, I had to let go and let God in. I became a Christian. I prayed for strength to forgive – I knew I couldn’t do it on my own. The years of brutality was unbearable.  It would be some years later at my torturer’s (husband) funeral, I chose to forgive him and others who played a role in destroying both my children’s and my life.

The weight of bitterness, hate and unforgiveness had weighed me down. Knowing that God had granted me a second chance – I had to start believing and start dreaming – big dreams. It wasn’t easy – but I knew the alternative. My children needed stability. I was going to be their only role model. Bit by bit, I let go of the hate and the vengeance I had been harbouring. I forgave each one. But forgiveness didn’t mean that I would allow them back in our lives. My children and I went for counselling for several years. We were always there for each other.  Forgiveness was for us. It freed us from their stronghold. We were no longer anyone’s prisoners. 

I now speak for and educate all those agencies that failed me.

17. Most children living under such situations would be wounded for life. How are your children doing?

True, but I wanted to remove the stigma that children from a broken home are dysfunctional. 3 of my children are doing very well. One speaks with me, one is a fraud investigator – now married to an RCMP Sergeant. My youngest is an RCMP as well. My children are my biggest supporters.

18. Were they ever physically abused?

A lot of emotional abuse. He would ask them to hit me. That in itself is so much abuse.

19. How did you as a family unit overcome the anger, depression, anxiety and fear this must have caused to your souls?

We attended group and individual counselling amongst other things. We began to learn to love and respect ourselves and others. We did not talk about our abusers much. We filled out lives with fun things. Things we could afford to do as a family back then.

20. Other than the physical pain that persists would you say you have fully recovered?

I do have moments where I do feel the emotional pain. The repeated jaw surgeries triggers me. Recovery will be a lifelong journey. I will never be able to recover physically, emotionally or financially – but I carry on.

21. What is your relationship like with your siblings and parents now?

Sadly, we don’t have a relationship. They do not want me to speak out publicly. Somehow it brings shame to them.

22. You had so many people who let you down but was their anyone who gave you hope? Any particular person who helped you overcome your pain and suffering? Anyone who restored your faith in humanity and gave you hope?

There was a woman who prayed for me at the airport when I was fleeing India.  Other than that, no one wanted to get too involved – since it was a ‘domestic violence’ situation. I didn’t make many friends since they always left. I think they couldn’t handle my trauma. It was my new found faith in Jesus and my grandchildren who inspired me to write and tell the world my story.

23. Looking in hindsight what would you do differently?

I would do everything differently. I would not hand the power to someone who’s only motive is to control me.  I am far too strong for that. I have never experienced love from a husband figure. My g/kids love me so much. And so does my golden retriever.

24. What advice would you give to anyone going through domestic abuse and or know someone going through it?

To all the DV victims – I want you to know I hear you, I see you and I believe you. You are no longer alone. Don’t allow someone to treat you bad. Just remember “YOUR WORTH”.  DO not keep their secrets. Start to dream Big dreams. Get the help as soon as you can. You are loved and you matter!

25. What was your journey like from survivor to Thriver.

Looking back to all the years of the hard work I put into writing and speaking, teaching and advocating, I realized I wasn’t just a survivor. I was more than that. I was Thriving. This journey has taught me so much. I want to share that wisdom with others.

26. As a society, what more can we do to help domestic abuse victims?

Abuse has not stopped. Victims (mostly women) are still abused. Some are murdered. Others suffer from depression. I have this righteous anger that stirs up in me for justice. I want to equip every woman with the right tools to stand tall and refuse to be anyone’s punching bag. I want more resources for both men and women. I would love to see the Temples start pre-marital counselling as a mandatory session before marriage.  

I would also like to see tougher sentences on violent offenders. I would like to see laws changed on mandatory sentencing.

27. What inspires you to keep going?

Seeing victims become Victors. Getting emails from folks that my story gave them a reason to live and not give up. Equipping the police, counsellors, physicians and social service agencies to better serve the victims. Receiving feedback from the law enforcement how thankful and grateful the officers have been to receive first hand training. It makes me feel better knowing that the police treat victims with respect and dignity.

Every morning I get out of bed wanting to inspire someone. The thought of making someone feel safe, giving them a reason to smile and directing them to a life without abuse keeps me going.

Wow..I am left in awe. This young, obedient, naive young girl let down by the whole wide world finds strength within herself to survive the most inhuman treatment for the sake of her children. She continues her battle and finds purpose in her pain. Everyday she gets up to make this world a better place despite her own pain and suffering. If she isn’t a hero I am not sure who is.

It is my hope that if and when our own spirits are dampened we will all find inspiration from Kamal’s formidable spirit and seek to find our own inner strength.

With love,

Devinder 💖

P.S. If her story inspires you I request that you share the link on your Facebook, WhatsApp, Instagram and Twitter. Let’s do our part in bringing awareness around domestic abuse and ensure we spread love, care and joy in the world!!