The hardest yet the most rewarding thing I ever did as a mother was to learn to un-mother. Yes, you read that correctly. Going through the difficult process of un-learning and letting go of all that I had unconsciously become over the years of mothering lead to not only a better relationship with my adult children but also a more empowering connection with myself.
As moms we are given one of the most important and challenging jobs on this planet. While our body becomes the vessel to bring a beautiful new life into this world we form a connection with this being like none other. Along with this connection comes the responsibility to protect, care for and nurture these precious beings. Not to mention the cultural pressures to ensure they abide by the rules and become functional members of society and a whole lot more.
With the sheer pressure of it all we, as moms, not only loose sight of our own essence but also the fact that our children are a creation of the divine.
Born knowing all that they need to know, they each have their own journey to unfold. They are here to make their share of mistakes, learn their lessons and find fulfillment in growth. In fact, by imposing our beliefs and values, we strip them of their creativity and authenticity.
Moreover, our constant mothering (nagging) has the potential to ruin a perfectly beautiful relationship. It is only when we learn to understand this profound truth that we can begin the process of un-mothering.
With this newfound awareness we give ourselves and our children the necessary breathing space to embrace, express and live our truth and authenticity.
A precious bond, build of trust and awareness, begins to blossom through this beautiful process. The concept of hierarchy begins to fade away making space for a new era of mutual respect. This allows all parties to grow, flourish and function in harmony. It allows us mothers to take a step back, rejoice in the flight of our children while freeing ourselves to focus on our own journey.
Of course, unraveling the layers of mothering requires a deliberate cultivation of conscious awareness. This journey is not without its challenges; it demands time, effort and continuous dedication. After all , we are untangling years of conditioning and relinquishing deeply ingrained subconscious habits.
My own awaking happened one fine afternoon when my oldest daughter, a medical resident at the time, came home for a family event.
You see with each of my three children being approximately 6 years apart, it seems I had been mothering for a long time. When my oldest turned 30 and my middle one 24, my youngest was still a teenager. For 18 years I had ingrained, hardcore subconscious mothering habits.
On this day in my usual unconscious mothering mindset, I started giving her instructions and advice, not realizing that she was fully capable of managing her own life. In the kindest and sweetest way my daughter took my hand and said, “Mom, I wake up in the middle of the night to save lives. I’ve got this.”
Those kind, simple yet profound words made me think deeply.
Why did I still feel a deep sense of responsibility for their actions? Why was I so distrustful of their abilities? I could have easily been offended or upset, but I chose to truly listen to her words and reflect.
What I realized was that my behaviour had nothing to do with their ability or capability. It had everything to do with my inability to recognize that my job as a mother was done a long time ago.
I had nurtured, cared for, love and protected them when they needed it. Along the way, they had become their own people. Now my role was to sit back and watch them fly!
What an awakening it was. Of course, it wasn’t an overnight switch-off. It has taken a lot of conscious awareness and many moments of stumbling and falling.
While I may never fully embrace the concept of un-mothering, I understand its importance and strive to make progress every day. It’s a continuous effort to find the balance between supporting and guiding my children while respecting their autonomy. Learning to un-mother has been the most challenging and rewarding aspect of motherhood for me. It’s a journey I would pray for every mom to embark upon.
Where are you on your un-mothering journey. I would love to know your experience.
With Love,
Devinder ❤️
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