I remember the conversation as if it was yesterday. It was Rakhri day, 1998 (brothers’ day in Indian culture – deeply based in a patriarchal society) and we had come home after tying the rakhris, I on my brothers and my daughters on their cousins.
Like every other overthinking mom, I wanted to ensure my precious daughters did not feel the absence of a brother. In fact, I wanted them to feel empowered and protected in each other’s company. I sat them both down as close to me as possible. One beside me and the other in my lap on the pure white sofas in our airy and open living room. I can still close my eyes and breath in that warm summer air and feel my heart full of power.
“I am so happy you both have each other,” I softy began my pep talk.
“But mom we don’t have a brother,” replied my 11 year old. My deepest fear was verbalized without the blink of an eye. “It’s okay didi (sister)”, joined the little one who was 5 at the time.
“I have one in my imagination and he is really cute.”
My heart melted and sank all in one go. As I held them both tight, I was at a loss for words. Hearing their soft voices and innocent desire I could feel my own hidden somewhere deep down. You see, I have always craved living life to its fullest. I was blessed with two beautiful daughters and I would have loved the opportunity to raise a son. (Mind you if I had two boys I would have craved raising a daughter). I looked up at the universe with a sense of trust and sent a deep prayer.
It was almost a year later, after the then considered geriatric pregnancy at the age of 37, that my teary-eyed hubby placed a beautiful little miracle, our son on my chest after a third C-Section. As I kissed his forehead and held him close I felt my self at loss for emotion. I was in total awe of the universe and its magic. I have visited and revisited this moment many a time in the past 22 years to understand why I felt absolutely numb. Shouldn’t I have experienced overflowing tears of joy and expressing my utter excitement? Looking at this absolutely perfect little human, I think my body was unable to respond to all the emotions of gratitude, love, and trust to name a few. I felt these emotions not only for me but for my entire little world. Our world was complete with this beautiful sparkle of our souls. Sparkle that brings love, joy and happiness into all our lives every single day.
This pregnancy, the delivery and the up bringing was a true family affair as we all cherish every moment of this dream manifested into a beautiful part of our existence. As for the experience of raising a son, yes it has been a totally different. Unlike the girls who gently accepted the rules and guidelines he demands logic, he wants to know the reasoning behind the guideline, he challenges and pushes us to keep growing, keep learning. I had pledged to raise my children without any gender bias and if any of us ever slip up and show a slight bias towards him he is the first one to question the reasoning. And no, he is not mama’s boy and neither would I ever want him to be. He is and has always been his own person. Some of my most memorable moments happen when we sit and have our heart to heart conversations. Both of us sharing our most authentic truth and presenting our point of view. Sometimes we agree to disagree but most of the times we find appreciation for the others’ point of view. Many small and big decisions are made in these moments.
His is the happiest when he is in the company of his sisters; he is the gentlest when he plays with his nephew, he is the strongest when he speaks his truth, he is the fairest when he loves his two dogs (a male and a female) and he is the proudest when he talks about his parents.
My heart, without fail, swells with pride for the young man he has become and joy he has brought into our world. As for his sisters he is there not to protect them but for all three of them to love and support one another. When life throws a curb ball and I begin to feel doubtful, I go back to that moment of gratitude and stillness when the universe answered my prayers and conspired to bring him into our world. My faith is restored and my heart is grateful forever and always.
With love,
Devinder 💖
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