It all began over 20 years ago, when I was pregnant with our youngest child. For some strange reason I could not sleep on my left side. As a result, for almost the last six months of the pregnancy, I slept on the right side. Soon after I started to notice a dull pain in a small penny sized area of my right shoulder blade. I took it as being a part of the game. It was a great excuse to receive some additional TLC from family members during my pregnancy.
Along came our beautiful bundle of joy. I felt so elated, happy, and blessed. I wasn’t about to let a little sore spot come in the way of my life. At age 37 (I know, it was considered a bit old back then for pregnancy), along with the brand new baby, I had a 12 year old, a 6 year old and a flourishing business that I helped manage. Life was so blissful and a little busy to say the least.
With driving the kids to school, taking them from grass hockey practices to piano and ballet lessons while keeping a fine balance in the rest of our lives, I paid little attention to my own body. Over the next few years this neglect really started to catch up with me. The pain started to spread not only into my entire shoulder blade but also my neck. It could no longer be ignored.
I visited my doctor for all sorts of tests and went to every possible kind of treatment from massages and physiotherapy to acupuncture and chiropractor. I don’t think there was a relevant specialist in the medical field that I was not referred to. Nothing seemed to help and no one seemed to know what was causing the pain. On one hand it was always a relief to know that it was nothing serious but on the other it was very frustrating not knowing the cause.
This continuous progression of pain began to have a major impact on my daily life. It did not help that I had always been so very right handed and the pain was also on my right side. I could not cut or stir food in the kitchen, and use of a stapler, writing or typing for an extended period would cause debilitating set backs. An MRI of the area showed minor inflammation in the shoulder.
I was put on strong anti-inflammatory drugs that provided temporary relief. This constant pain started to not only slow me down but also effect me mentally. I became too afraid to do any kind of physical exercise or exertion. As a result, I also started to gain weight (that is a whole new story for another time).
In the main time, the pain started to move into my right leg. So, pretty much the entire right side of my body, from my ankle to the nape of my neck were in constant aching pain. Some days were worse than others and nights were always the most painful and restless. Different parts of this side would also swell up and retain water at different times. Physically it became very obvious that I was in pain. People started to ask what was wrong. I am not and have never been a sympathy seeker and this sent me further into a downward spiral.
The doctor recommended going on stronger pain killers. I distinctly remember researching (on a painstakingly slow search engine), the side effects of pain killers. I discovered a lot of information on the human tendency to become dependant on these drugs. They interviewed different people and how these drugs altered their lives. It was scary and I knew very clearly this was not the solution for me. Some how, I had to just persevere. I had to take charge of my pain and my life.
During this moment of solitude I thought of all the different professionals I had seen and how each one in their own way had asked me if I was under stress. This question always annoyed me and of course my answer was always no. Why would anyone think I was stressed? I was blessed with an amazing husband who accompanied me to every appointment despite his busy schedule, we had beautiful, loving children and a very supportive family. I am blessed, I am not stressed, I always thought.
But at this moment of awakening I realized I was stressed. Really stressed. My constant, aching pain was causing a lot of stress in my mind and body. In fact, it had taken over not only my mind and body but my entire existence. Outwardly I handled this pain with a lot of strength, never letting it stop me from giving and living my best. I never wanted my family or me for that matter to miss out on anything just because of my pain. But internally I fought it and resisted it day and night. I could not understand why I had to suffer from it and what was causing it. I was trying very hard to be normal. I now realize how this stress and resistance caused a domino effect in my body making my whole side tense and sore.
It was at this point that I accepted it for what it was. Mere chronic pain and that too only on one side of my body. The rest of me was healthy and well. With this realization, I accepted the pain with gratitude. It was as if a whole lot of weight lifted off my shoulders. I decided I would make lifestyle changes to accommodate the pain and small steps towards taking control of it.
At this point, almost five years into the pain, I joined the gym and hired a personal trainer for a short period. We worked on strengthening the muscles around the painful areas. I started to go for long walks. More importantly, everyday, I reminded myself that life is much bigger than this pain. My focus changed and my pain started to have less impact on my life.
The next 15 years brought slow but steady progress. I would say it has been a constant journey of trial and error. My efforts and enthusiasm faced a number of set backs. Many a times (mostly watching others at the gym and being overly ambitious) I injured my ankle by increasing the incline on the treadmill or hurt my shoulder while trying a new yoga pose. But thats all they were, small set backs. I learnt to let the body heal, brush off and start over again.
I have also introduced yoga and meditation into my daily practice. This has been a life changer for me. It has taught me not only to accepted my body for what it is but also to appreciate and connect with it. We, my body and I, have now become best buddies. We work in unison. There is no expectation, there is no struggle, only gratitude for all that is healthy and well.
This past year, while travelling through Japan and later France we walked 13-14 kilo meters everyday. I enthusiastically and willingly climbed 284 steps to the top of Arch De Triumph and 387 steps to the top of Notre Dame Cathedral, both only a couple of days apart. I was sore, but it was a good sore (like the kind that gives you a feeling of accomplishment).
What about my pain? Well, its still there and I still don’t know why but it no longer defines me. It no longer has power over me. With acceptance, gratitude, and compassion and a lot of help from yoga, meditation and the gym my body and I work our way through it.
What are your struggles? What do you strive to overcome and thrive? I would love to hear your stories.
With Love,
Devinder 
PS – this is my personal story of struggle and triumph and not in any way intended to be medical advice. If you suffer from any kind of pain or struggle I hope it will inspire you. Kindly seek advice from your medical providers before making any changes.
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