Upon Becoming A Mother..

It was 32 years ago this month, although it still seems like yesterday, that I became a mother for the first time. Not only did I become a mother but I became a new me. Yes, such was the impact of this one event on my life.

My husband and I were married in India and both of us made a decision not to have a baby until we were truly ready to give parenthood our 100%. I am talking about a time and place when having a baby nine months into the marriage was the norm. If it didn’t happen it was everyone’s business.

So, of course, all the aunties began to question if something was abnormal and make assumptions. “There must be something wrong with her. You must have her checked out”, they told my mom-in-law. Kudos to her, my hubby, and me of course, as we all stood our ground and laughed it off.

I will forever be grateful for having this time to just ourselves. It not only gave us an opportunity to understand, appreciate and become us but also a chance to establish our values, principals and priorities as a couple.

I was young (just over 20 years of age) naive, sensitive, fearful and unsure of who I was but 4 1/2 years later I knew I was ready to be a mother. In this time, my hubby also got his immigration visa for Canada. We moved here (my husband as a new immigrant and me back to my home land.) As soon as we landed in Canada we were thrilled to discover that I was pregnant. It was such an exciting time as we got up each day to explore new opportunities to work and establish ourselves for the three of us.

The pregnancy was not so easy with the first trimester full of morning sickness literally every single morning; (thank goodness for the next two trimesters that were absolutely exciting and joyful); two weeks of over-due baby; 25 additional pounds to top off my pregnancy weight; labour that lasted over 36 hours; followed by an ambulance ride to the nearest city (as we were in a small town of Oliver) and a C-Section under the general anesthetic. And back in the day, they did not allow spouses into the operation room. That was a tough thing to deal with for us both. But it was what it was. All in all it was definitely eventful and exhausting , I would say.

Waking up in a dark and cold recovery room at 2:00 a.m. with no one in sight was never my vision of the experience of becoming a mother. “Where is my baby? What did I have? These were the only two questions I could verbalize out of the many spinning in my head. “A girl”, replied a cold voice who’s owner seemed to have lost touch with the magic of life. I must have fallen back asleep until 6:00 a.m. when I was finally brought to the regular room with my hubby holding our baby.

I took her in my arms and gently inspected and touched her head to toe. I was in awe of how beautiful she was. Truly a miracle, whole and perfect. I was so happy and content yet so numb. For years I asked myself why I was so emotionless. But now I realize that is what is called fulfillment. A complete, perfect moment where you are at such peace. There is no need for hyper emotions or expressions. You just feel bliss and gratitude.

As I looked into her big, beautiful eyes they looked right back at me. I had never had someone place so much trust, belief, and faith in me. I pulled her close to my heart and held her tight.

The next week was emotional, painful and exhausting. While my body was recovering from the long labour and c-section, we struggled with trying to get the baby to latch on for breast feeding. I will never forget the moment I stepped on the scale and realized I had lost 7 pounds when my baby was 6 pounds and 5 ounces. I still looked very pregnant while the woman next to me fit into her old jeans and went home. I burst into tears.

Of course, there is no therapy during such times better than a hug from your loved ones. I don’t know what I would have done without the unwavering support of my darling husband and my wonderful mother. In that moment, with those tears, I shed all the discomfort, fear and pain I had gone through in the past 9 months (the weight would stay with me for a while longer).

As I walked out of that hospital, with our bundle of joy, I began to see life in a whole new light. I knew I wasn’t the same person who had gone into labour a few days back. The universe had bestowed upon me the honour of caring for, loving and nurturing this beautiful little soul. With this subconscious realization, I stepped into the world newer, stronger, fearless and a lot more confident. I had a strong sense of purpose.

We spent the next six weeks at my parents’ house. Such is the Indian way and I will forever cherish and support this tradition. It was one of the most magical times of our lives as I experienced love like never before. In fact, I didn’t know such love existed and that I was capable of it.

As we moved into our own place, it was like we had the opportunity to create our own little universe with our own rules and regulations. Each day was exciting and each moment full of wonder and enthusiasm as we got to experience life once again though her wonder struck eyes.

Thirty two years have gone by quickly but not without filling my heart, soul and life with precious moments, unforgettable milestones and a true soul connection that completely fulfills our lives. We were blessed to have experienced this magic two more times with the birth of our younger daughter and son.

Of course, we have had our share of sleep less nights, hard decisions, countless discussions, strong arguments, and small mistakes. But these are few and far in between. The strength of our bond is much above and beyond any such insignificant occurrences. These moments are also a testament of the fact that we have raised independent thinkers and strong beings.

The most beautiful thing about the parent-child relationship is its unbreakable commitment, bonding, longevity and ability to evolve. It begins with you as a care giver and slowly along the way evolves into a beautiful connection that provides life long happiness, support and fulfillment for all parties involved.

You as a mother grow, little bits at a time, into the version of yourself that you need to be, to be the best possible mom that you can be; stronger, wiser, fearless, patient and grateful with each passing day. The key is to always keep an open mind and an open heart and be ready to evolve. As Dr. Shefali Tsabary, a renowned psychologist and author would say, we have raised ourselves in the process of raising our children.

As an experienced mother of three here are 7 points I would recommend for anyone going into motherhood:

1. Motherhood is an honour and a great responsibility. Once you decide to take it on there is no going back. Make sure you are mentally, physically and financially ready for this responsibility.
2. It is one of the most fulfilling and joyful experiences of your life. But it will be challenging, trying, frustrating and rewarding sometimes all at once. Go into it consciously and mindfully.
3. There is a well known African proverb, “It take a village to raise a child.” Don’t make the mistake of playing it solo. Create your own little trustworthy community for raising your child. For us having both sets of grandparents there not only gave both of us a nice break now and then but also provided a strong sense of belonging for our children. If the grandparents are not available or close by create a circle of friends who can be there for each other.
4. The wisest people learn from other’s experiences. In this information era take advantage of all the resources available out there. Read, watch and listen to other people’s experiences, opinions and stories. Then create your own set of values, principal and guidelines for yourself, your child and your little world.
5. We say children come to us as a bundle without any instructions or manuals. What we fail to see is that we have the manual within us. We can unfold and tap into it if we connect from our soul to their’s. Don’t overthink just dive in one moment at a time and expect to learn and grow every step of the way.
6. Keep your ego in check. Just because you have the honour of taking care of a child does not mean you control them. They are not your little project. They have been created by the higher power as a unique individual here to unfold their own journey. From the moment you hold them in your arms treat them with respect, dignity and love. They grow up sooner than we anticipate. Remember what you give out is what comes back to you. How you treat them when they are powerless is how they will treat you for the rest of your life. Let love be your guide.
7. During the small, frustrating moments and the difficult and trying situations keep the bigger picture in mind. It’s one of the longest and closest bond you will have with any human being. Learn to value it, cherish it and appreciate it.

With all its challenges from moment to moment, Motherhood has been the most rewarding and fulfilling experience of my life. Having raised three responsible, caring and kind humans I consider this one of my greatest achievements and a real privilege.

After 32 years of parenting, if I had to choose one piece of advice it would be to give your child your undivided, unconditional time and your complete and whole hearted attention at their level, on their terms. That is the best thing you can do for your child and for yourself. To this day when my child walks through that door they get my full undivided attention. This magically lights up my life and their’s.

Being a mother is, undoubtably, the best job in the world with a lot of sleepless nights and unmeasurable rewards. I am sure all the mothers out there will agree. Happy mothering friends!!

With love,

Devinder 💖